out of reach

knew the signs. wasn't right. i was stupid for awhile. swept away by you. and now i feel like a fool. so confused, my heart's bruised. was i ever loved by you?

out of reach, so far. i never had your heart. out of reach. couldn't see. we were never meant to be.  catch myself from despair. i could down if i stay here. keeping busy everyday. i know i will be ok.  but i was so confused. my heart's bruised. was i ever loved by you.

so much hurt. so much pain. takes awhile to regain. what is lost inside. and i hope that in time. you'll be out of my mind. and i'll be over you. but now i'm confused. my heart's bruised. was i ever loved you?

out of reach. so far. i never had your heart. out of reach. couldn't see. we were never meant to be. 

- gabrielle-

risk

I've always been afraid to take  risks and maybe that's why I have regrets. Though, I know that I shouldn't really take those things as regrets but lessons learned.  Deep inside I want to be able to get out of my comfort zone and try what others have tried, feel what others have felt and learn along the process.  I guess, I'm really stubborn. I refused to take risks and have proven it so many, many times. I'm still trying to discover that part of me that's afraid…that's inhibited.  I've learned so much from every encounter and relationship I had whether I did or didn't take a risk and whatever the outcome may be, I learned from life and people.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can finally let go of my pride and fears. I know there's nothing wrong with pride and fear, we learn from it but I know now that at least I should learn to compromise as well.  I know that the 'time' that I'm waiting for will come unannounced and and unexpected (hehe…sana nga) and I'm looking forward to it.

La lang, all of a sudden I thought of that one thing that occupies my mind lately. Yung mga what if's ko in life. Mga bagay na pinalagpas ko.  I know that one day, it'll come to me….it'll be mine. I'm not the type who easily gives up. I hold on to my faith. My faith is my salvation and thru that faith, I will be what I'm dreaming to be.  I will have what I've been searching for and I will love every moment of it:O)

an unforgettable dream

     The other night I had a dream. When I woke up, I was able to remember every detail of it. I know the people involved and one of them was kind of letting me know something. Well, let's call that person 'G'. I'm not sure if  'G'  holds a grudge over me or what…but even in my dream, that's how 'G'  is because 'G' used to do that to me. I don't know why I had that dream because I wasn't even thinking about it/them. And today, something that I never expected happened (the same people in my dream are the ones also involved in my today's encounter. ) That day too, when I woke up, I asked myself " is my dream telling me something?"  Now, I know that my dream and what happened today are somewhat related. It's no coincidence that I dreamed of it. But why?

     Sometimes, I'm dreading my dreams because this happened to me before too. What happened during my unconscious state may not be the exact event in real life but it's as if it's preparing me for something. I really don't know.  Well, it's okay…as long as nothing bad will happen.

     Ano na kaya next dream ko tonight? Hmmmm…..sana…I'll have a happy dream tonight )

YOU

I never felf alone.

I was happy on my own.

And who would ever know there was something missing.

I guess I didn’t see the possibility. It was waiting all the time but it never crossed my mind

‘Til you opened up my eyes. NOw all I think about is…

You in my life, in my dreams…In my heart I know it’s true

That I belong with you. Because of you in my world, in my arms

I have everything and now. I can’t imagine what I’d do….without you.

I never thought that love could be, such a curiosity

What attracted you to me, was so unexpected.

But it was waiting all the time and it never crossed my mind.

Until you opened up my eyes. Now all I think about is…..

You in my life, in my dreams.

In my heart I know it’s true, that I belong with you.

Because of you in my world, in my arms.

I have everything and now, I can’t imagine what I’d do…without you.

–by tara mclean–

sex and the city

     I was watching tv this morning and happened to switch the channel to 2nd avenue ( a new cable channel in our area). SEx and the city was on. Actually, I have the complete season in dvd of it but I cannot remember having watched this particular episode. Anyway, the scene was they were in a restaurant and Carrie was telling them that she felt embarrassed because she farted in front of Big. Miranda said it’s okay because she’s only human and human beings fart. Then Carrie answered that she just wants to be perfect for him because he is perfect.  Then another scene was, Carrie and Samantha were doing yoga and she told Samantha the same thing she told Miranda, that she farted in front of Big (she justified to Samantha what Miranda advised her that she’s just human….). Samantha had a different reaction from Miranda…that girls shouldn’t really fart in front of a man…and so on. 

     Carrie just wanted to be in her best self and behavior. She cares for the man that’s why she’s really worried that it might turn him off. And it happens to all of us, only in different circumstances. But usually the same feeling- shame, embarassment. Yes, it is a common knowledge that we’re only human and we sometimes do imperfect things but even with that justification, we still worry. Even I, in that situation? Yes, I’d feel embarassed. But of course, if the man is really interested and what he feels is true then it shouldn’t be a problem. After all, in some cases…it really is inevitable )

     Some of us wants to be perfect for others. We want to show our best self when we are in front of them. We don’t want to turn them off, maybe thinking that if they won’t see our flaws then they will like us more. But most often that not, it doesn’t happen all the time. Whether we like it or not, our flaws will show no matter how much we try to mask them. And it’s okay, we’re not perfect. The person we try to impress is not perfect, too. That alone, comforts me.

the meeting

     They met once again. After all these years he hoped for this meeting. He knows that she still holds that very special place in his heart, he is sure of that. Yes, there were others. But his feelings for her did not change in spite of what happened between them. He still hopes for the day to come when she returns his feelings, his love for her. He has prayed for it many times.

     She looks at him. She now thinks of what could have been. She knows that she hurt him but she just cannot turn back the time and change what took place then. She still sees the love in his eyes, the feelings, the affection. How could she not saw it before. Or maybe she did.

     He missed her. And it made him happy when she agreed to meet him, to spend time with him. But now that she is in front of him, he just can't seem to find the right words. He just doesn't know what to say or where to start. Remembering everything from the past, how they met, how he pursued her, how she rejected him…..the pain just never goes away. And now, doesn't know what to expect.

     She waited for this moment. The moment when she will be able to tell him what she really felt, that she cared, that she missed him. But how will she start? She doesn't know what to do, what to tell him. She wants to tell him that he holds a special place in his heart, that she still keeps with her the precious moments they shared.

         The night went by. They dined and chatted about things in their lives. They reminisced. But no one spoke about their feelings for each other…..no one opened up. Until the time came that they needed to part ways. They said their goodbyes and went on their separate ways.

     Two people in love. Two people feeling the same thing. Two people who waited for the right time. They let the moment go. Never turning back.  What a waste!

in dreams

In the still of the night.

She dreamt of him.

The image was blurred

yet she knew it was him.

They were  in each others' arms that night

and promised forever to the stars.

Their tight embrace seemed endless

….not wanting to let go.

Suddenly, he freed himself from her.

He looked deeply into her eyes,

held her hands and shyly, he smiled.

She looked him in the eye,

then she said, " i love you."

" I know..", he let go of her hand.

" Didn't you know that I've waited for so long

for you to say those three words?

" Didn't you feel how much I loved you?

" Didn't you recognize that I was for real?"

Pain. She was sure was evident from his voice.

Her tears fell. She grabbed his hands, held it tightly, close to her heart.

" Oh…but i know that now…"

" Yes, I realized that.", he said. " And I will always love you.

But I can't be with you…

Someone else is now holding my heart in her hands,

and it's for her to keep."

Sadly he walked away.

Rain was pouring down and it got colder.

She woke up from her deep sleep, sat up and looked to the window.

" It's not too late for me…no…not yet."

That day, she made the riskiest risk she has ever taken in her life….

She told him she loves him.

She longsfor that day to come.

She asks HIM to give him as a gift.

She looks for him everywhere.

…..but it seems that good things only happen in her dreams. 

thrilled with anticipation

     It’s monday today. I feel the usual energy I have on mondays.

     I feel that I have so many things to look forward today. I’m not really sure why, but this is good. Is it because I’m already anticipating my transfer to another group come May? Well, of course that thought helps me but I believe that that is not the sole reason of my energy and motivation right now. I admit that just the thought of me taking that risk (I am not really a risk taker. So anything that makes me get out and conquer my comfort zone is a risk for me already) makes me want to look forward to what’s ahead of me.  That, for the first time (for more than 6 years) I am able to get out of my comfort zone and look into the other side (thinking that, that other side (maybe) has more to offer in terms of career growth, compensation, learning etc.) Whatever is out there, I’m ready now. Why? Because my skills and performance prepared me to venture into a new field. And, I’m glad I tried because once again, I’ve proven something to myself. 

     I’ve been with our group for more than 6 years now and I believe that I learned so much. From those learnings, I’m able to perform better.  Ours is like a one happy family though there are of course, different cliques within. The enviroment is young and the people are nice. Of course, not all organization is perfect and even in a family certain disputes and disagreements may arise…and that has happened many times to us. Still, in spite of those I loved being a part of the group or the organization. And I will never bite the hand that fed me (because there were others who got out and talked bad things on what they used to call their own..well, whatever.) I believe that we reap what we sow, that in most cases, what we get is just a reflection of what we give.  And I really admire others who are willing to give it their all, others who keep on learning and growing and never letting anything hinder them from doing so, no matter what situation they are in. Others who take pride in what they do and give back in return..that’s admirable. 

     So, when I transfer to my new group, I will be what I have always been. I will keep on learning and growing. I won’t let the group down and I will make sure that I always deliver.

     Ciao!

petiks on a sunday

     I am catching up on my deliverables since I just had my restdays plus I went on vacation leave. I thought I was only behind for about 2 or 3days but I was a week behind already. WEll, right at this moment since I have the luxury of blogging, it means I'm done with what I needed to do. I've managed to finished everything since I really don't want my tasks to pile up on me. Anyway, though the past week has been very busy and a pressured one for me, I still managed to update everything on my table…

     I think I'll go home early today. Just want to spend sometime on my own and do things that I like doing. Maybe, when I get home I'll try to download Prisonbreak because I've been missing few of the episodes already.  Actually, I'm really glad to have found this particular forum for prisonbreak fans and you can download the episodes for free (I was able to download 3 of the latest episodes from Season 2.) 

      Oh..I forgot, there's still one more thing I need to do…'til next time:)