bad weather

I got an email from a friend yesterday. I can say that I was a bit offended because I sensed sarcasm on her message. The three of them are planning to have a Christmas party in a hotel including me. The first email from the other friend was sort of ‘they will adjust their time for me so I can join them.’ The second one (where I sensed sarcasm) said that yes, they’ll adjust their time because I haven’t been joining them for quite some time now. She sarcastically asked, if I have a bf? Am I pregnant? Living in with a bf? Sick? etc…all because I’m not available for them numerous times already. She said that they won’t judge me if any of the above is true blah..blah..blah. Then she again asked me kidding aside, if I can meet with them this December. I really felt the sarcasm and I was tempted to reply right there and then. I cooled myself down first before I did. After a few minutes, I replied and told them not to adjust their time for me (me not being there, shouldn’t ruin their plans anyway). That they should push through with it but I didn’t confirm my availability (because I’m not sure yet if I really want toJ) I don’t want to compromise myself, I guess. Then, I specifically addressed the rest of the email to the other one telling her that none of her multiple-choice-like questions are correct.

Don’t mistake me and think that they are bad people. No they’re not. They are my friends way back from the first company I worked for. Since the company needed to close down that time we went our own ways until I finally got in here (GT). During those times, we never saw each other. Then an opportunity came and we were in touch again. None of the things I have shared my friends now, I’ve shared with them. Every time we see each other, we always talk about our old acquaintances and officemates. It’s seldom that we really talk. When I’m able to talk about myself freely, about my family, about my happiness and problems etc., I treasure the person I have shared those things with. I feel that they don’t know me well. It’s not that I don’t treasure them; I do because they’re my friends. I believe that somehow we drifted apart. Friendships, I think, whether we admit or not, have its own intensities, too. We feel this way for this friend; feel another way to that friend, etc.

When I was still in HL , of course, the schedule was ever-changing. They were willing to adjust to it just so that I can see them. And I wasn’t always available because of work and schedule. So whenever I really have the time, I see them. Though it very much irritated me those times that I’ll hear them saying I’m always not available, what planet I’m working in, that I’m hibernating, etc…heheJ  Just plain tired explaining the reasons for my absence and even felt that they didn’t understand me at all. That started my being cold to them. I’m not so eager to be with them anymore, I make excuses and most of the time doesn’t reply to their messages. Am I bad? Maybe I am:) Guilty too for feeling this way.

Also, they know that I’m constantly there for my kikay friends but not to them. I like their company. They understand me. They know me. We talk about almost anything. There’s compromise and real talk. Yeah I know, perhaps I’m not giving them enough chance. I should appreciate the fact that they want my company. I know I shouldn’t compare. All people have their unique qualities. I should be thankful that they treat me their special friend to never cease on inviting me and even willingly make adjustments. Maybe soon, I’ll see them when I no longer feel this way.

 By the way, I’m so excited to attend our HS reunion on Saturday. I’ve actually called two of my closest friends in HS yesterday to confirm if they are attending. Looking forward to this event. After more than 10 years, we’ll fin’lly see each other again! It’ll be so much fun, I’m sure.

outburst

I feel kinda sad lately. Not really sure why..I don’t know. 

Boredom. Stress.  Uncertainty. These are three of the things that contribute to it, I guess. The first two will always be a part of my everyday life. But the third? To be uncertain is such a burden. What am I so uncertain about? Why is it that I feel this way? There are so many things that I want to do, to see, to experience, to look forward to. I’ve written and told my friends about it so many times: that I don’t know when or where to start. I’m just plain complacent, so passive in life that things within my grasps seem so unreachable. Huh! Sometimes I get tired of thinking of what I should do. Fear is always present. I just don’t have enough guts to follow my heart. Hayyy! 

Last night, I was attempting to write to my other blog but couldn’t write any. So I finally gave up and told myself, next time maybe. I was a little frustrated. Not being able to write anything about yourself, about what you feel, about your day, etc. And I’m supposed to be writing for myself! It’s an anonymous journal. Yet, I couldn’t translate my thoughts into writing. I shouldn’t wait for something big to happen to be able to communicate what I feel! It really frustrates me. 

Yeah, it’s one big proof that I’m burnt out and couldn’t think straight.