Hate entry???
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 Below was what I felt a week ago, I think. This was meant for my father. The words were hurtful and strong, I know. But I don’t feel that way now. Maybe some of what I wrote were true and some because of the anger and hurt probably. I guess, during these times I was fueled by my anger and disappointment that I wanted to hurt him with words. When that anger slowly faded, I began to be peaceful once more. Free of thoughts like these. Though, I know that once provoked, these words may come out of my mouth again. I’ve come to realize that this can be a vicious cycle and that maybe this will be a part of my reality. When I wrote this, I wanted to post this right away. I just couldn’t log-in that’s why I didn’t. So I saved this draft instead. I happened to open the drafts (I forgot about this actually) and saw this. I felt guilty in a way just thinking that I could actually say or write these things about my father. But my feelings that time was valid. It is valid. At least, faced with this circumstance, I can say that I’m already prepared. Experience taught me to. For my peace of mind, I’d like to tell you: I hope not to see you when I get home today. I don’t want to see your face nor your presence. For me, you don’t exist anymore. And I will pretend as long as I can that you don’t. When you talk to me, I won’t respond. I won’t even look at you. You will remain a waste of space for me. We don’t need you any longer. Just go. Go to where your heart leads you. I don’t care. Not anymore. I only want them to live in peace. I wish for them not to feel the pain you’ve caused years ago. You know what? I don’t feel anything for you now. Just this anger. Just this rage inside me. Once again, you disappointed me. And I’m fed up. Now I can honestly say, it’ll be better without. You ceased to be the person I’m supposed to respect when you disrespected us. I don’t wish to continue any relationship with you. I’m fed up. You won’t be a loss to us. It’s the other way around
