friendship and dreams
Thursday, August 28, 2008One of the entries saved in my drafts last July:
I’ve been quite busy for the past weeks. I know I missed a lotL
Anyway, my friend and I who don’t actually constantly see each other had a talk the previous week. Though we seldom see each other (I often miss her company), when we talk, we really talk. We share sentiments and we both look forward to something that the future holds for us (which we are still unsure of but hopefully, we’ll get there…well, I want to be optimistic, so I should say, indeed! we’ll get there!) We both want the same thing, I guess. Perhaps our motivations and intentions in wanting the same outcome are different, still we understand each other. It’s one of the things I love about her, in fact. She has this very enthusiastic attitude about life. And whenever she feels down and unenthusiastic, she shares it with me. Though there are times such as that, she still knows what to do. She knows the road but somehow doesn’t know where to start to get to her destination. We have plans but I’m not sure if those will materialize because I can’t figure out too how to start, or when. I am keen on hoping that whatever we think we can do, we really can. That it’s just a matter of time. That it entails a lot of planning and preparation. It may only look easy but in reality it’s not. And oftentimes, I tell her that.
I know that she’s a bit unhappy with the current state she’s in and I feel for her. I want her to continue the energy that I always knew she had. Because before, when her life wasn’t that complicated, she laughs a lot. Her energy was very contagious. I want her to be happy and I hope for the meantime, she’ll find some peace of mind. She’s like a sister to me and I really cherish our friendship.
Hate entry???
Wednesday, August 27, 2008 Below was what I felt a week ago, I think. This was meant for my father. The words were hurtful and strong, I know. But I don’t feel that way now. Maybe some of what I wrote were true and some because of the anger and hurt probably. I guess, during these times I was fueled by my anger and disappointment that I wanted to hurt him with words. When that anger slowly faded, I began to be peaceful once more. Free of thoughts like these. Though, I know that once provoked, these words may come out of my mouth again. I’ve come to realize that this can be a vicious cycle and that maybe this will be a part of my reality. When I wrote this, I wanted to post this right away. I just couldn’t log-in that’s why I didn’t. So I saved this draft instead. I happened to open the drafts (I forgot about this actually) and saw this. I felt guilty in a way just thinking that I could actually say or write these things about my father. But my feelings that time was valid. It is valid. At least, faced with this circumstance, I can say that I’m already prepared. Experience taught me to. For my peace of mind, I’d like to tell you: I hope not to see you when I get home today. I don’t want to see your face nor your presence. For me, you don’t exist anymore. And I will pretend as long as I can that you don’t. When you talk to me, I won’t respond. I won’t even look at you. You will remain a waste of space for me. We don’t need you any longer. Just go. Go to where your heart leads you. I don’t care. Not anymore. I only want them to live in peace. I wish for them not to feel the pain you’ve caused years ago. You know what? I don’t feel anything for you now. Just this anger. Just this rage inside me. Once again, you disappointed me. And I’m fed up. Now I can honestly say, it’ll be better without. You ceased to be the person I’m supposed to respect when you disrespected us. I don’t wish to continue any relationship with you. I’m fed up. You won’t be a loss to us. It’s the other way around
